Kelsey Cools

In the Spring of 2022, KingsWay member Meredith Lewanowicz interviewed fellow KingsWay member Kelsey Cools so that she might share with the body of believers about the difficulties she and her husband faced over the past several years and how the Lord has walked beside them during those hardships.

The last few years have held a lot of challenges. Can you talk about some of the difficulties that came up in the last few years and how they affected you and your view of God?

After having our son Benjamin in September of 2019, I began struggling with postpartum depression. My mental health was rapidly declining so I started taking depression medication and met with a therapist twice a month. After a few months something in me snapped and I fell into an incredibly dark place. I wanted nothing to do with God, with the church, or with my family and friends. All my life I had dreamt of being a wife and a mom and now I resented my husband and my children. I wanted to leave them and never look back. Then, covid hit and we were quarantined in our home. Feeling completely stuck and helpless, I made a plan to commit suicide. 

Moments before taking my life, I heard my kids laughing in the other room, and by God’s amazing grace I chose to go talk to my husband Quin about what I was about to do rather than going through with my plan. After spending a couple of hours in the emergency room, Quin and a few medical professionals decided it would be best for him to be in charge of my medication and to have an adult at home with me at all times. This plan stayed in place for about 7-8 weeks and every night when I went to sleep I would think, “I hope I don’t wake up.”

That May, Quin and I found out we were expecting our third baby. I noticed an immediate shift. I was never diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, but I’m pretty sure that’s what had been going on. I was quickly reunited with my lifelong love of being a mother and was overjoyed at the thought of welcoming another little person into our lives. I was still in a very bitter place spiritually, but the dark clouds were lifting and I felt as though I could breathe again. 

At our first ultrasound they noticed something was not quite right. After a series of blood work and more ultrasounds, our baby was diagnosed with a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 13. We were told we would likely lose our baby and would not make it to full term. In September 2020, the Lord broke into my heart and brought me unexplainable peace, even in the midst of our baby’s diagnosis, meeting with doctors and nurses and other medical professionals, and knowing that our daughter’s life and future was uncertain.

On October 30 (Quin’s birthday), due to feeling no movement from the baby, Quin, my mom and I went to the labor and delivery unit at VCU, where we had been receiving the most amazing prenatal care for our special little one. We settled into a room and began an ultrasound. Upon hearing the words, “I’m so sorry” from our doctor, I felt completely paralyzed and numb. Our precious little girl had gone to be with Jesus. I could feel my consciousness begin to fade, but the song Blessed Be Your Name came rushing to my mind. “You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.” Because of the mercy God had shown me, my heart was truly able to say, “blessed be your name.” The next morning, on October 31, 2020, I gave birth to our daughter, Phoebe Elizabeth Grace, who was stillborn at 29 weeks. I never knew it was possible to experience grief and peace in one moment, but I did. The Lord’s presence was so near and evident, and there was comfort in knowing that the very first face Phoebe beheld was the face of Jesus.

What made a difference (positive or negative) in the midst of your suffering? How did God work in and around you during these hardships? 

Probably the biggest difference in my suffering was that I did not want to follow the Lord. I didn’t want Him on my side. And that just led to more bitterness and suffering. Being on the other side of those hardships has shown me that it is better to walk with Jesus through suffering than to walk without Him. Without Him, I wouldn’t have any hope. Without Him, I wouldn’t believe there is everlasting life beyond this life. Without Him I would continue to be lost, bitter, and broken. This past November [2021] we had a miscarriage, and if it wasn’t for the unsurpassable grace of the Lord, I would have quickly sunk back into bitterness. But He sustained me and showed me His care through the encouragement and love from so many others.

Did you struggle at all with depression during this time? What does the Church need to know about depression, and how can they understand and help those experiencing it?

Depression is something that has been with me for quite some time. It’s like having a weighted blanket on your back everywhere you go. I’ve come to realize though that just because I deal with depression does not mean I’m not trusting God. Yes, it can hinder my relationship with him if I let it. But that just drives me to stay grounded in truth. With having little kiddos it’s sometimes hard to have extended time in the word, so I usually have worship music playing in our house. If I’m not feeding my soul with good things, my depression will feed me lies. I still have some days where I feel pretty low, but I know now that those days don’t define me. My identity is found in Christ.  

It has been incredibly helpful for me to talk about my depression with other believers. When I’m able to voice where I’m at, it gives them the opportunity to remind me of truth, to remind me of the gospel, to remind me of all that Jesus has done for me. Sometimes it’s not what I want to hear because it’s calling me to die to self, but the Holy Spirit gently and quickly reassures me that those faithful friends are seeking to point me back to Himself, to the one I need the most.

How did the Church (KingsWay or other fellow believers) make a practical difference in your suffering?

Wow, KingsWay. Our beloved church family. So many of you came alongside us in so many different ways through these hard trials. Whether it was bringing us meals, praying for us, talking and praying with Quin, [or] reminding us of God’s goodness, faithfulness, and power to save. To say thank you would not even begin to communicate how grateful we are for your love and support. Quin and I are beyond grateful to be in this family and to be walking this life with all of you.

Looking back on these experiences, what do you understand about the Lord and His character?

I honestly love talking about my testimony, because each time I do I am reminded of the overwhelming amount of mercy and grace the Lord has shown me. I have experienced his love and affection for me in the lives of my children. I have felt his care through the leadership of my husband. I have seen his tender kindness in the community of the church. And I have come to know that even when my circumstances change, he does not change. He remains the same. He is still as faithful, merciful, gracious, kind, holy, and sovereign as he was before the foundations of the world were made. What a marvelous mystery that he chose to save a sinner like me. I have seen that going through suffering can either lead us to a life of bitterness or a life of hope. I’m grateful to say Jesus has given me a reason to choose hope, a reason to live.